Just call me E L L E

Being silent and shy are two different things. I am silent but definitely not shy. Hate me, love me. I don't care. Just keeping it real honey. ;)

Elle's Diary

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It sounds crazy but at the age of 24, I still don’t know what I want. I desperately want to try new things but I’m afraid to take even one step. Sometimes, I think, in 10 years time….what will become of me? 

Will I be able to finish my grad studies? Am I still gonna work in this company ? Will I ever find a suitable partner for me?

Yesterday, my friend and I had this little chat about relationships. I’d say,s he was the only one who understood why up until now I remained single.

Well, that’s what I made myself believe.

The truth is…

I’m a coward.

I’m afraid of going into a relationship. I dunno, it’s just that I find myself too boring that eventually no man could stand being with dear, old, me. Yeah, I’m a bit harsh, but that’s just the way it is. 

Well, that’s how I view myself.

That’s why it really baffles me how other people would be able to say that I am someone that any parents could be proud of. That I have the potential what-not. That I could be something big.

And yet, I could not really see that. I couldn’t see that person that they admire in me. Actually, I don’t even really know who I really am. I don’t really know what I want. I don’t really know what I’m good at. It’s like I’m this robot being programmed to do a certain task.  That I’d only function only by the instructions that were given to me. 

I only do what people expect me to do.

And now, I’m lonely and unhappy.

I try to be good in what I do  but I could never really say I was satisfied and contented.

The bottom line in all of these, I guess…

I just don’t really know where to start.

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